Grief is a deeply personal and complex journey, often marked by a range of emotions that come in waves. At Turrentine-Jackson-Morrow in Frisco, we walk alongside families through each stage of this process with compassion and understanding. One of the most misunderstood yet profoundly human stages of grief is bargaining—the third stage in the commonly recognized five stages of grief model developed by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
What Is the Bargaining Stage?
Bargaining is the stage where the grieving person seeks to regain control or make sense of a loss by negotiating—often with a higher power, fate, or even within themselves. This stage is not always logical, and it rarely changes the outcome, but it reflects the deep desire to reverse or lessen the pain of loss.
You might recognize this stage through thoughts like:
- “If only I had gotten them to the doctor sooner…”
- “God, if you bring them back, I promise to be a better person.”
- “What if we had taken a different route that day?”
These thoughts are not just expressions of regret—they are attempts to rewrite reality, even momentarily, to escape the heartbreak that has occurred.
Why Do We Bargain?
Bargaining is a natural response to the shock of loss. It often comes after denial has begun to fade and before anger has fully set in. When we can no longer deny the reality of our loved one’s passing, bargaining becomes a way to cope with the helplessness we feel. It’s an attempt to make sense of the senseless, to believe that we could have changed the outcome if only we had done something differently.
This stage can also be rooted in guilt. Many people reflect on what they did or didn’t do, say or didn’t say, and wish they could go back in time. Bargaining becomes a mental space where we imagine alternate endings that allow us to feel more in control.
The Emotional Weight of Bargaining
It’s important to understand that bargaining doesn’t follow a clear timeline. It may resurface more than once, especially on anniversaries or special occasions. It can be subtle or consuming, and it often carries a heavy emotional burden.
At its core, bargaining is about love. The deeper the bond, the more intense the urge to find a way—any way—to undo the loss. It’s a testament to the connection we shared with the person who has passed.
How to Cope During the Bargaining Stage
- Acknowledge Your Feelings Bargaining thoughts may feel irrational or even troubling. That’s okay. Give yourself permission to think and feel without judgment. These thoughts are a part of processing your loss.
- Talk It Out Sharing what you’re experiencing with a trusted friend, family member, or grief counselor can help ease the weight of your emotions. Saying it out loud often helps bring clarity and comfort.
- Write Things DownJournaling can be a powerful outlet for bargaining thoughts. Write letters to your loved one, explore “what if” scenarios, or simply let your feelings flow onto the page.
- Practice Self-Compassion Guilt is common during this stage, but it’s important to remember that we’re all human. You did the best you could with the information and resources you had at the time.
- Seek Support Whether through grief support groups, therapy, or your spiritual community, surrounding yourself with others who understand your journey can help you feel less alone.
We’re Here for You
At Turrentine-Jackson-Morrow in Frisco, we believe that understanding the grieving process can provide some light during a dark time. Bargaining is not a sign of weakness—it’s a step toward healing. If you or someone you love is grieving, know that you don’t have to walk this path alone. Our team is here to provide resources, compassion, and care every step of the way.
Grief may not have a clear destination, but each stage—including bargaining—brings you closer to peace and acceptance in your own time.